Breaking News: Sarah Palin Kills Santa!

December 25, 2009 - 4:30am PST - Wasilla, Alaska

Alaskan State Troopers in Wasilla confirm they have attended to an incident at 1140 W Parks Hwy along the shore of Lake Lucille. The address in question is purported to be the family home of the well known self-promoter, author, and media personality Sarah Palin. According to Sargent Hubie H. Huckleberry of the local State Troopers office, police were responding to calls of "shots fired" at the Palin residence as reported by guests at the adjacent Best Western Hotel.

Upon arriving at the Palin residence, troopers found a very distraught elderly man, all dressed in red, holding the bloodied remains of the head of his prized rangifer tarandus, Rudolf. Surrounded by a sad inconsolable group of eight other bleeding and wounded reindeer (and the wreckage of a sleigh full of toys riddled with bullets), the poor soul, clearly shaken, cried, "... for the love of God, has anybody seen the nose".

"Oh Why? Why? Why?", he then sobbed repeatedly.

But the tears streaming from the old man's now twinkle-less eyes and down his rosy cheeks did not phase the crazy-eyed lady in a kerchief and high heels holding a smoking Mossberg Maverick. Initially saying nothing - she finally, simply, and coldly, said: "Because you peace loving- Obama loving-bearded old hippie-socialist-commie-bastard, NOBODY is ever allowed to tell me that I've been naughty!"

And with that, she turned to her hapless (useless) man-servant in his dressing gown and cap and shouted: "Come on Todd, get the lead out! Go get the knives. Let's cut, gut, and dress this bitch!"

Update: Early eyewitness accounts also state that Mrs. Palin then proclaimed in front of her crying children and grandchild: "Oh, go cry me a liberal river you bleeding heart wussies; this is not the way I and dude raised you. It was on our property, I shot it, so we're gonna eat it!" Much sobbing is said to have ensued. At last report, the distraught elderly bearded man in red was last seen walking into the middle of Lake Lucille mumbling "the horror, the horror" before then jumping through the ice ... he has not been seen since.

Dr. DILDO (aka MP Carolyn Bennett) is crazy!

Whew! Wow! Talk about overdue. And to think I thought it would never happen! Boy was I wrong.

In case you haven't heard yet, Canada now has a fearless spokesperson (an esteemed Member of Parliament no less) who is willing to take up the cause of ridding all our sexually un-satiated orifices from the scourge of chemically toxic DILDO's!

Yep, you read that right. Toronto's very own crazier-than-a-bedbug MP, Carolyn Bennett, has formally written to the Minister of Health Leona Aglukkaq asking her to investigate the “urgent need for responsible regulation in the adult toy industry in Canada.” (Oy vey!)

Hark, she writes, the very same chemicals that are not allowed "in children's mouth toys" [the controversial chemical bisphenol A and other phthalates] are still being allowed to penetrate our marketplace via our sex toys!

"... there's no rules preventing their use in a vibrator, Dr. Bennett says."

Now, I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want female Canadians throughout this fair and horny land frigging themselves to death with mass produced toxic Dildo's! No, I want what Dr. Carolyn Bennett is promising. I want to live in a country that .... err, ... err, ... oh criminy, I can't even finish this post properly.

Jesus! I mean, really, Jesus!

With all that is going on both domestically and internationally did we really need a Member of Parliament to take up the cause of synthetic members of all shapes, sizes, and colours in this manner. Was there not a better way to do this?

Could she have not just propose that the existing regulations be amended to include any personal use product that comes into contact with human skin? I mean really! Sometimes you just gotta draw the line somewhere; and I draw it here. This MP, this doctor, this insane nutbar, has done no favours to either her party, her cause, or dildo's in general. A weak and limp attention-getting ploy of the first and saddest order, her actions simply detract from what really matters. All Carolyn Bennett has managed to do here is prove that Canada's Parliament is, too often, a haven for dildo's of all political stripes. She should retire.

Colvin's Letter & The Heart of the Issue

Colvin's letter today proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we Canadians deserve better. We are entitled to absolute and full disclosure from our federal government. Harper's government must answer why it took seventeen months to act, when it knew, categorically, that the detainees we were handing over to Afghan authorities were at a high risk of being tortured. Anything less than full disclosure is unacceptable!

From Colvin's letter, page 3 [emphasis added]:

"From February 2006 ... to May 3, 2007 (when Canada signed a new Memorandum of Understanding on detainees that gave us the right to monitor), our detainees continued to be transferred to the NDS, despite a substantial risk of abuse or torture.

Unlike our NATO allies in the south, we chose not to monitor our detainees. Because of notification delays, the Red Cross was also unable to monitor during the first days or weeks of detention, when the risk of torture was highest. Information on detainee transfers had to be sent to the ICRC via CEFCOM in Ottawa, where the information remained until CEFCOM commander Lieutenant‐General Michel Gauthier forwarded it. As late as spring 2007, there were delays in notification of up to 34 days.

Monitoring in Kandahar was implemented by a rotating pool of officers, some on very short deployments. As a result, Canadian detainees in NDS custody in Kandahar remained at risk of torture. Even after the new MOU was signed, Ottawa for the first five months did not send a dedicated DFAIT monitor to conduct the monitoring.When a dedicated monitor was finally sent out in late October 2007, he quickly found conclusive evidence of continued torture. This finally triggered a Canadian decision to stop transfers.

From the PRT’s warning of 2 June, 2006 ‐‐ which noted serious concerns about the treatment of Canadian detainees in Afghan custody ‐‐ until the cessation of transfers to the NDS was seventeen months."

Raging Tory MP John Baird: A picture perfect reflection of your government in action!

This is the face that our current Prime Minister chose to have speak on his behalf in the House of Commons yesterday. Is this the face you want speaking for you?

Forget about this other guy; John Baird is the true face of a Raging Tory. Apparently Baird is the one that Harpo & co. trust most to represent their position on the Afghan detainee issue in public. Criminy! We deserve better.