Breaking News: Sarah Palin Kills Santa!

December 25, 2009 - 4:30am PST - Wasilla, Alaska

Alaskan State Troopers in Wasilla confirm they have attended to an incident at 1140 W Parks Hwy along the shore of Lake Lucille. The address in question is purported to be the family home of the well known self-promoter, author, and media personality Sarah Palin. According to Sargent Hubie H. Huckleberry of the local State Troopers office, police were responding to calls of "shots fired" at the Palin residence as reported by guests at the adjacent Best Western Hotel.

Upon arriving at the Palin residence, troopers found a very distraught elderly man, all dressed in red, holding the bloodied remains of the head of his prized rangifer tarandus, Rudolf. Surrounded by a sad inconsolable group of eight other bleeding and wounded reindeer (and the wreckage of a sleigh full of toys riddled with bullets), the poor soul, clearly shaken, cried, "... for the love of God, has anybody seen the nose".

"Oh Why? Why? Why?", he then sobbed repeatedly.

But the tears streaming from the old man's now twinkle-less eyes and down his rosy cheeks did not phase the crazy-eyed lady in a kerchief and high heels holding a smoking Mossberg Maverick. Initially saying nothing - she finally, simply, and coldly, said: "Because you peace loving- Obama loving-bearded old hippie-socialist-commie-bastard, NOBODY is ever allowed to tell me that I've been naughty!"

And with that, she turned to her hapless (useless) man-servant in his dressing gown and cap and shouted: "Come on Todd, get the lead out! Go get the knives. Let's cut, gut, and dress this bitch!"

Update: Early eyewitness accounts also state that Mrs. Palin then proclaimed in front of her crying children and grandchild: "Oh, go cry me a liberal river you bleeding heart wussies; this is not the way I and dude raised you. It was on our property, I shot it, so we're gonna eat it!" Much sobbing is said to have ensued. At last report, the distraught elderly bearded man in red was last seen walking into the middle of Lake Lucille mumbling "the horror, the horror" before then jumping through the ice ... he has not been seen since.

ARSE-O-theWeek: His Holiness

[as originally posted 12/26/08 on my formerly free thinking blog http://tworippingarseholes.blogspot.com/ ]

So what has "God's rottweiler", Pope Benedict XVI, done to win this Arse-O-theWeek award?

Well, not much really - if you disregard his pre-Christmas calculated affronts to the dignity of homosexual persons stemming from his assertion that humankind needs "saving" from homosexuality, the way the rainforests need saving from being raped and pillaged. Aside from that, not much.

Of course, attacking God's gay flock is de rigueur for this Pontiff. After all, he's already on the record saying homosexuality is a "gateway" practice that leads to "intrinsic moral evil". So really, nothing new here. But to engage in this kinda crap three days before Christmas? Jesus, that was poor form - even for a Christian.

Couldn't Benny have just embraced the spirit of the season and left it at that? Did he have to spew his antiquated views on the morality of adult sexual behaviour? I mean, if somebody like Smart Arse wants to have a long term relationship with his 'Blow-up Betty' doll what is it to me? Well, apparently such behaviour bothers the 'Presider' who oversees easily the most draconian and hateful anti-gay policy of any church. And it should surprise nobody that he chose to vent this Christmas even though his own complicity in covering up the abuse of children makes these particular attacks on the dignity of homosexuals all the more repulsive.

Now his defenders will say we are wrong, that he has amor omnibus idem. Maybe so. But professing one's 'love for all' does not excuse a fanatical preoccupation with demonizing fags. [n.b. Smart Arse believes we shouldn't say 'fags'. I, Fat Arse, don't believe it's an issue, but admit I've been wrong before!]

What's important here is how the Pope's "end-of-year speech" used dogma to damn the 'other'. By saying gender theory blurred the distinction between male and female, Benedict willfully wandered into marginal social theory territory to cloak his bigotry. Calling for "an ecology of the human being" to protect mankind "from self-destruction" was mere obfuscation of his main point: that fags need not apply for acceptance into the Pope's mythical Kingdom of Heaven. Nice.

Some find it appalling that Pope Benedict XVl can somehow equate his dislike for homosexuality with the ecological crisis that threatens the planet. And, they say, if only he knew a little science, he would realize we are born with our sexual orientation. But what are we to expect from a cloistered old man. He is a staunch defender of conservative theology who has an abiding hatred for progressive movements dating back to the 1950s. He believes Vatican II went too far. He campaigns against liberation theology because it is too close to Marxism, and (as if there is any difference between the two!) he cannot stand the possibility of religion being subordinated to political ideology.

An unfettered 'retrenchment artist', building bridges is not this mortal man's strong-suit. In 2000, he wrote that other Christian denominations were not true churches, because, unlike the Catholic Church, they are unable to offer the “means of salvation.” In July 2007, he tried to reassert the primacy of the Roman Catholic Church when he approved a Vatican release saying Orthodox Churches were "defective" because they do not recognize his Holiness's primacy(?).

Not content to limit his indictments to only the 'faux' Christian organizations, in 2006, Peppy Benny enflamed Muslims in speech in which he quoted a Byzantine emperor as calling Islam "evil and inhuman." Of course, just like a habitual wife-abuser, he later apologized, claiming he was misunderstood and he dutifully promised never to do it again. But most egregious of all was his recent opposition to a proposed UN declaration, backed by all 27 European Union states, calling for an end to the practice of criminalizing and punishing people for their sexual orientation. Again, nice!

A frigid warrior, relentless in his persecution of the Gay Community, Pope Benedict, has said he may relax the Church's ban on condoms to allow their use by people infected with HIV. Wow. Mighty big of him. Too bad the church continues to condemn the use of condoms by people before they get get HIV!

As some Catholic publications defend his assertion that the human race is... imperiled by gay and lesbian families, and some say the hubbub is little more than the "usual" anti-Benedict brigade ... spewing out their vile hatred for this wonderful Pope that God has blessed us with - We, with respects, beg to differ.

And while any arsehole can decry the obvious - the Pope's subsequent Christmas message of "hope" (his "Urbi et Orbi") seems shallow when juxtaposed against his message from 72 hours earlier. Indeed, it is sad to think that with everything going on in the world today that what keeps the pope awake at night is the idea that human beings might be able to seek out their own sexual identity to have a happy life. And for that, we have decided that this petty-Pope is deserving of our Arse-O-theWeek award.

God-bless and Happy New Year!