Breaking News: Sarah Palin Kills Santa!

December 25, 2009 - 4:30am PST - Wasilla, Alaska

Alaskan State Troopers in Wasilla confirm they have attended to an incident at 1140 W Parks Hwy along the shore of Lake Lucille. The address in question is purported to be the family home of the well known self-promoter, author, and media personality Sarah Palin. According to Sargent Hubie H. Huckleberry of the local State Troopers office, police were responding to calls of "shots fired" at the Palin residence as reported by guests at the adjacent Best Western Hotel.

Upon arriving at the Palin residence, troopers found a very distraught elderly man, all dressed in red, holding the bloodied remains of the head of his prized rangifer tarandus, Rudolf. Surrounded by a sad inconsolable group of eight other bleeding and wounded reindeer (and the wreckage of a sleigh full of toys riddled with bullets), the poor soul, clearly shaken, cried, "... for the love of God, has anybody seen the nose".

"Oh Why? Why? Why?", he then sobbed repeatedly.

But the tears streaming from the old man's now twinkle-less eyes and down his rosy cheeks did not phase the crazy-eyed lady in a kerchief and high heels holding a smoking Mossberg Maverick. Initially saying nothing - she finally, simply, and coldly, said: "Because you peace loving- Obama loving-bearded old hippie-socialist-commie-bastard, NOBODY is ever allowed to tell me that I've been naughty!"

And with that, she turned to her hapless (useless) man-servant in his dressing gown and cap and shouted: "Come on Todd, get the lead out! Go get the knives. Let's cut, gut, and dress this bitch!"

Update: Early eyewitness accounts also state that Mrs. Palin then proclaimed in front of her crying children and grandchild: "Oh, go cry me a liberal river you bleeding heart wussies; this is not the way I and dude raised you. It was on our property, I shot it, so we're gonna eat it!" Much sobbing is said to have ensued. At last report, the distraught elderly bearded man in red was last seen walking into the middle of Lake Lucille mumbling "the horror, the horror" before then jumping through the ice ... he has not been seen since.

One-Humped Aussie Orifices Soon To Eat Lead

Last December I came across a tidbit about Australia's exploding camel population entitled: If You Can't Beat Them, Eat Them. A curious piece, the article was chalk full of info on the estimated million-plus feral camels running amok Down Under. Apparently this booming Aussie camel population is threatening fragile ecosystems and endangering both indigenous species and rare plants. Also, it turns out the camel's asshole is (I kid you not) a dangerous orifice whose gaseous emissions contributes to global warming. Further, these even-toed ungulates really like to... um, err, well hump like rabbits. In fact, they are humping so much that their population doubles every nine years.

"Wow," I said at the time, "horny humping camels, who would thunk it?" Also, who would have thunk that a study on the environmental threat posed by the camels to an already kangaroo polluted habitat would recommend "the best way to bring down the quickly multiplying population is to add the one-humped ferals to the human food chain." Certainly not I.

An "excellent health food" it was said. The meat, "lean as lean" was compared to filet mignon and, we were told - "Word has it ... that the hump is the tastiest part; so delicious is the mound of fatty tissue that some people prefer it raw." Oh, yummy - raw humps!

Well that was last December - and I distinctly remember chuckling at the time. Then yesterday, I come across this. "Wow," I say to self, "seems Australia has abandoned the 'eat camel and eat it often' strategy." Obviously "Operation: Slip another hump on the barbie" has failed - the Aussie palate has not embraced camel kabob's and, as a result, the camel population keeps burgeoning. Oh no, what to do, what to do? Hm, well, apparently THIS: "Thousands of camels in Australia's remote Outback could be killed by marksmen in helicopters under a government proposal aimed at cutting down the population of the havoc-wreaking creatures. [....] Besides sending in sharpshooters in helicopters and on foot, officials are considering proposals to turn some of the creatures into tasty treats such as camel burgers." Oh, yummy, a win-win, can a McDonald's McCamel be far behind?

As for bullets raining down from the sky? Is it a inhumane approach? Well no worries, Tony Peacock, CEO of the University of Canberra's Invasive Animals Cooperative Research Center, laid all such concerns to rest when averred: "To be shot from a helicopter is actually quite humane, ... If I was a camel, I'd prefer to just get it in the head."

Clearly, in Australia, the only good camel is a dead camel.

Wonder if they need any recruits? I hear there's a newly unemployed pro-aerial hunting crazy from Alaska who would be a perfect fit - maybe she's interested?