Arsenisms: 2009

Friday, December 25, 2009

Breaking News: Sarah Palin Kills Santa!

December 25, 2009 - 4:30am PST - Wasilla, Alaska

Alaskan State Troopers in Wasilla confirm they have attended to an incident at 1140 W Parks Hwy along the shore of Lake Lucille. The address in question is purported to be the family home of the well known self-promoter, author, and media personality Sarah Palin. According to Sargent Hubie H. Huckleberry of the local State Troopers office, police were responding to calls of "shots fired" at the Palin residence as reported by guests at the adjacent Best Western Hotel.

Upon arriving at the Palin residence, troopers found a very distraught elderly man, all dressed in red, holding the bloodied remains of the head of his prized rangifer tarandus, Rudolf. Surrounded by a sad inconsolable group of eight other bleeding and wounded reindeer (and the wreckage of a sleigh full of toys riddled with bullets), the poor soul, clearly shaken, cried, "... for the love of God, has anybody seen the nose".

"Oh Why? Why? Why?", he then sobbed repeatedly.

But the tears streaming from the old man's now twinkle-less eyes and down his rosy cheeks did not phase the crazy-eyed lady in a kerchief and high heels holding a smoking Mossberg Maverick. Initially saying nothing - she finally, simply, and coldly, said: "Because you peace loving- Obama loving-bearded old hippie-socialist-commie-bastard, NOBODY is ever allowed to tell me that I've been naughty!"

And with that, she turned to her hapless (useless) man-servant in his dressing gown and cap and shouted: "Come on Todd, get the lead out! Go get the knives. Let's cut, gut, and dress this bitch!"

Update: Early eyewitness accounts also state that Mrs. Palin then proclaimed in front of her crying children and grandchild: "Oh, go cry me a liberal river you bleeding heart wussies; this is not the way I and dude raised you. It was on our property, I shot it, so we're gonna eat it!" Much sobbing is said to have ensued. At last report, the distraught elderly bearded man in red was last seen walking into the middle of Lake Lucille mumbling "the horror, the horror" before then jumping through the ice ... he has not been seen since.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Dr. DILDO (aka MP Carolyn Bennett) is crazy!

Whew! Wow! Talk about overdue. And to think I thought it would never happen! Boy was I wrong.

In case you haven't heard yet, Canada now has a fearless spokesperson (an esteemed Member of Parliament no less) who is willing to take up the cause of ridding all our sexually un-satiated orifices from the scourge of chemically toxic DILDO's!

Yep, you read that right. Toronto's very own crazier-than-a-bedbug MP, Carolyn Bennett, has formally written to the Minister of Health Leona Aglukkaq asking her to investigate the “urgent need for responsible regulation in the adult toy industry in Canada.” (Oy vey!)

Hark, she writes, the very same chemicals that are not allowed "in children's mouth toys" [the controversial chemical bisphenol A and other phthalates] are still being allowed to penetrate our marketplace via our sex toys!

"... there's no rules preventing their use in a vibrator, Dr. Bennett says."

Now, I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want female Canadians throughout this fair and horny land frigging themselves to death with mass produced toxic Dildo's! No, I want what Dr. Carolyn Bennett is promising. I want to live in a country that .... err, ... err, ... oh criminy, I can't even finish this post properly.

Jesus! I mean, really, Jesus!

With all that is going on both domestically and internationally did we really need a Member of Parliament to take up the cause of synthetic members of all shapes, sizes, and colours in this manner. Was there not a better way to do this?

Could she have not just propose that the existing regulations be amended to include any personal use product that comes into contact with human skin? I mean really! Sometimes you just gotta draw the line somewhere; and I draw it here. This MP, this doctor, this insane nutbar, has done no favours to either her party, her cause, or dildo's in general. A weak and limp attention-getting ploy of the first and saddest order, her actions simply detract from what really matters. All Carolyn Bennett has managed to do here is prove that Canada's Parliament is, too often, a haven for dildo's of all political stripes. She should retire.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Colvin's Letter & The Heart of the Issue

Colvin's letter today proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we Canadians deserve better. We are entitled to absolute and full disclosure from our federal government. Harper's government must answer why it took seventeen months to act, when it knew, categorically, that the detainees we were handing over to Afghan authorities were at a high risk of being tortured. Anything less than full disclosure is unacceptable!

From Colvin's letter, page 3 [emphasis added]:

"From February 2006 ... to May 3, 2007 (when Canada signed a new Memorandum of Understanding on detainees that gave us the right to monitor), our detainees continued to be transferred to the NDS, despite a substantial risk of abuse or torture.

Unlike our NATO allies in the south, we chose not to monitor our detainees. Because of notification delays, the Red Cross was also unable to monitor during the first days or weeks of detention, when the risk of torture was highest. Information on detainee transfers had to be sent to the ICRC via CEFCOM in Ottawa, where the information remained until CEFCOM commander Lieutenant‐General Michel Gauthier forwarded it. As late as spring 2007, there were delays in notification of up to 34 days.

Monitoring in Kandahar was implemented by a rotating pool of officers, some on very short deployments. As a result, Canadian detainees in NDS custody in Kandahar remained at risk of torture. Even after the new MOU was signed, Ottawa for the first five months did not send a dedicated DFAIT monitor to conduct the monitoring.When a dedicated monitor was finally sent out in late October 2007, he quickly found conclusive evidence of continued torture. This finally triggered a Canadian decision to stop transfers.

From the PRT’s warning of 2 June, 2006 ‐‐ which noted serious concerns about the treatment of Canadian detainees in Afghan custody ‐‐ until the cessation of transfers to the NDS was seventeen months."

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Raging Tory MP John Baird: A picture perfect reflection of your government in action!

This is the face that our current Prime Minister chose to have speak on his behalf in the House of Commons yesterday. Is this the face you want speaking for you?

Forget about this other guy; John Baird is the true face of a Raging Tory. Apparently Baird is the one that Harpo & co. trust most to represent their position on the Afghan detainee issue in public. Criminy! We deserve better.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Meanwhile in Manitoba... will Selinger be a Weir?

The last throne speech authored by a 'replacement premier' in Manitoba was in 1968, when poor Walter Weir assumed the burden of leadership from that highly over-rated, quasi-progressive, and so-called conservative, Duff Roblin.

Roblin, who had become frustrated by the inability of Manitoba to bear the costs of his mega-project projects, abandoned Manitoba's ship just as his “regime was beginning to falter”. After a decade in power Roblin claimed that provincial power had “lost much of its savour and appeal.” Much like the recently departed Doer, hapless Roblin then sought to trade the keys to his provincial office for one on a larger, grander, and presumably more important stage. In the end, unlike Doer, Roblin failed. Because, again unlike Doer, his chosen escape hatch came without any guarantees.

Enter Walter Weir and his infamous Throne Speech in 1968. So, with this in mind, I would like to simply say:

Whatever else happens today, I hope that Premier Greg Selinger does not forget how 'replacement' Premier Walter Weir's inaugural Throne Speech marked the beginning of the end of his government.

The last thing Mr. Selinger needs to do is to emulate Weir. He cannot afford to see his speech categorized (a la Weir's) as little more that "five well spaced pages of legistative balloon juice and whiffle dust"! He cannot, as did Weir, leave the opposition "smacking their lips in anticipation" of the upcoming session. He cannot give us promises that are blinded by their lack of vision.

If nothing else, Mr. Selinger should, indeed must, take the opportunity he has today to stake his claim to the office he now holds. He must provide Manitobans with absolute proof that this NDP government is HIS government. That it will reflect his promises, his goals, his identity, and his commitment to try harder than his predecessor. He must convey that the old, albeit successful, but ultimately unsatisfactory NDP way of doing business and making 'safe policy' is over. In short, he must demonstrate that he will aspire to do greater things than his predecessor.

The last thing Mr. Selinger (and Manitobans) want to read in tomorrow's paper (or on today's internet) is that his Throne Speech fell short. That it missed its mark. That, as was said of Weir's, it amounted to little more that "a slender legislative programme" marked by an "anything - but bold approach." Because what we don't need is Selinger's Throne Speech to be seen, amid the all heraldry, pomp and circumstance, as something "strictly in the pop-gun category".

After all, after a decade of Doer, we deserve more!

[re: quotation marks - most are from March 3rd, 1968 edition of the Winnipeg Free Press and Roblin's biography - oops, maybe it is the March 5th, 1968 edition of the Freep I am citing - check both if you need as I am doing it from memory!]

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Grey Cup 2009- A Baker's Dozen equals Defeat

Oopsie!

“There were 13 men on the field, ... a lack of communication ... It’s just totally 100-per-cent disappointment. ... a disappointment that will be with our football team for their lifetimes.” Ken Miller - Head Coach, Saskatchewan Roughriders.

Really? NO SHIT! And, but for presence of one functional abacus on the sidelines, it needn't have ended the sad way it did. Pity.

Dear Saskatchewan Roughriders,

Thanks for the effort, you played a helluva game ... too bad it all came down to one simple fact - in the CFL the fielding of a Baker's Dozen is a big no-no.

Better luck next year guys!

And as for the Rider coaching staff, sheesh! I mean c'mon! Hope you all bone up on your math skills during what is, surely, going to be a very long off-season.

Sincerely,
Fat Arse

My Grey Cup Checklist

Functioning TV - check
Comfy Couch - check
Chips & Dip - check
A raft of Cold Beer - check
Functioning Bladder - check
Working Toilet - check
Simmering Pot of Spicy Chili - check
Ample Arsewipe - check
More Cold Beer - check

Alas, all is ready. All that's left to say is...

GO RIDERS GO!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Pundit Dung of the 1st order: Andrew Coyne's intentional obfuscation of the issue at hand.

So I read this Coyne piece. I upchucked and then recoiled. His pro-Tory agenda is clearly on display. His goal, seemingly, is to deflect our attention from Harpo's &Co's responsibility for its role in the ongoing torture of Afghan detainees.

What Coyne fails to understand with the publication of his column is that we have an absolute right to know the truth about our present elected government's conduct on this file. All Coyne's article does is play unaccountable politics with a very serious issue. All he does is try to interject crass partisanship crap into the debate. Shame on him. Below is my stated objection to his tactics:

"Andrew,

Pundit dung of the first order sir.
Truth be told I have come to expect more than shoddy, lazy, and such obviously pro-PC partisan analysis from you. Sadly, you seem to be intent on obfuscating the issue at hand.

Really sir, it is not the historical paternity tale of our Afghan Detainee Policy (ADP) that is germane at this point, it is the current Government of Canada's inability to straightforwardly address the known issues of abuse. Our current government's shameful effort to censure and attack those who would speak truth to power can not go unchallenged. Our current government's absolute failure to be transparent on this issue must be challenged.

I care not what stripe our government of the day wears (PC Blue or Lib Red) it's irrelevant. Fact is, the government of the day, the government TODAY, owes us all an explanation. Do they, in OUR name, as OUR government participate in and/or condone and abet illegal war practices that any reasonable Canadian would deem inhumane treatment? Did they, do they, support policies that knowingly lead to the torture other human beings? It's a simple questions that deserves an honest answer. What Paul Martin did in 2005 is, of course, important. More importantly, however, now that more facts are known, is WHAT IS STEPHEN HARPER HAS (OR HAS NOT) DONE to live up to our international legal obligations NOT TO TORTURE HUMAN BEINGS?"

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Dazed and Confused: Cotto and boxing, Harper and climate change

It's kinda weird. On climate change, as with so many other issues, Harpo's almost like a zombie? I mean Christ, if even Obama can't get his attention, what chance do the rest of us have?

And talking about dazed and confused, I'm glad I was not in Miguel Cotto's boots last night going toe-to-toe with the best pound-for-pound fighter on the planet ... ouchie!

Ever had a bad day at the office? Did you come home looking like this? No? Me neither, err, well not too often at least. The photo kind of reminds me of our Tory government's climate change strategy ... all bloodied.

Poor Cotto, he ended up like the Tory climate change strategy at APEC that also involved a warm-up round, lots of bobbing and weaving, spinning, weak-kneed qualified backpedaling, all to no effect = "The final communique from the leaders summit of the Asia Pacific Economic Co-operation (APEC) forum here was largely silent, though, on any hard commitments to cutting the greenhouse gas emissions that cause climate change."

Ah, another optimum outcome for Harpo & co. on the climate file, another status-quo wet-dream success, another day of no progress!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Manitoba MP Shelly Glover: Nothing to see here kiddies, just stay to the right

[Above: MP Shelly Glover doggedly sticks to her message that: "In PM Harpo's world, staying to the right is always the right choice."]

Does the Tory branding exercise know no shame?
Judge for yourself, read this:

St. Boniface Tory MP Shelly Glover recently offered Louis Riel students free water bottles, but trustees turned Glover down when they learned that the bottles would bear the Conservatives' logo.

"The bottles were personalized and had her name and the Conservative logo," Louis Riel school board chairwoman Marilyn Seguire said Thursday. ....

Seguire said that it was not clear how many water bottles Glover was offering, or how they would promote students' interest in French immersion.

.... Glover said she offered the water bottles as a way to congratulate students doing well in French immersion and as an incentive that would be available to other students if they did better in their French immersion courses.

"I went to a French immersion program. When I was in French immersion, we had incentives to speak French in the hallways," Glover said.

But when Glover was told that the school board had turned down the water bottles because they bore the Conseravtive[sic] logo, she said, "I know where you're going with this," and said she would have to gather more information before commenting further.

Don't know about you, I can hardly wait for the rationale she's going to pull out of her arse to justify this one. However, I doubt she will admit the truth; ergo, that it is part of the wider Tory plan to "get 'em young and get 'em early"

Update: Too funny. Just checked site-meter, in the 1/2 hour since the this post went up, it appears that at least one group has noticed it! Again, too funny. What do they care what a blogger thinks?

gc.ca

Nov 13 2009

9:38:15 am